I am negative.  I am so tired of struggling to exist. Yeah, for a VERY short time in my life I was able to spend money when I needed or wanted to.  It wasn't even my money.  I have never really achieved anything, and it seems unlikely that I ever will.  I have a dead end job, that I will probably lose soon.  I have no money to go back to school and don't even know if I could hack it if I did go back. I can answer lots of trivia questions, big fucking deal. It has never helped me in my life. I'm fat, I'm sick and I have no self worth at all.  I feel like I ruined my kids chances in life. Wasted 20 years of my ex husband's life and am currently ruining my new partner's life.  I already spent his inheritance.  Why should I believe? Why should I, for one single second believe everything will be ok? Just because it has always worked out.  Just ask a mathematician, past out come has no effect on future results.

I haven't been writing..doesn't matter nobody reads this anyway.  I am going to Canada in nine days. I really can't wait. I love to be in Canada. I'm not really sure why. Maybe because some of the best memories of the four of us being a family are from our Canada vacations. This time is different. I'm going with my new partner and my son and his fiancee. It will be bittersweet.  I am happy now but in a way I wish we could have worked it all out. I don't miss my ex I miss what we could have been as a family. A happy couple two happy kids..it would have been nice but it didn't go that way.  Now I am part of a happy couple and I hope my kids are happy more often than not. I'm glad I am done with that part of my life. We did what we could, it didn't work. That's how life is. I hope I learned enough to make it work now..so far, so very good.

Blood Sugar

Last Sunday I had another breathing issue so I went to urgent care and had a nebulizer treatment and my blood sugar taken.  My sugar was 219. Today I saw my regular Dr. who said he felt that the meds I was given for the diabetes weren't necessary but he did prescribe a glucose meter. I took my readings twice today and they have been pretty normal. So I think I am still doing well. I just have to get this breathing thing down so I can get on with trying to lose some weight.  I've been trying that all my life and have failed up to this point.  I'm hoping that my new happier surroundings don't make me more lazy.  I'd love to get under 200lbs before I die.  The poor people who have to carry my body out will get hernias.  Here is hoping once again that I can show a little self control and take care of myself for real this time. Now, off to eat the chocolate covered strawberry my honey got me for Valentine's Day...yes just one.

Water

I consider myself pretty environmentally friendly. I turn off lights, unplug power strips, use re-useable bags when I shop but when it comes to water, sometimes I just cant help but be wasteful.  I love a hot shower, it doesn't matter how big the water heater I will empty it in one go. I can stand under the magical flow and go into a little snooze as the water just fills me with warmth. My old skin gets so dry and I'm keeping lotion companies from bankruptcy but I can't stop.  I have the exhaust fan on and yet the room fills with steam, which is just an added benefit in my opinion. When I'm done I wrap myself in a fuzzy towel and just stand there breathing in the steam and feeling the warmth as my body warms the towel. I know my water bill would be a bit less painful if I'd stop this habit, but I doubt I will anytime soon. My mother would tell you this is a habit I've had from early childhood. I would play in the bath or the kitchen sink for hours. She loves to tell people how she could go on with her motherly duties of cooking and laundry as long as I had some water to play with. It would probably shock me to know just how many gallons I've wasted over the years. In 1972 we got a swimming pool which saved many hours on the garden hose but I'd still let the bath fill up, get cold then drain and fill it again after swimming all day. I've been found staring into the washing machine, watching streams flow by and my favorite spot on earth so far is Niagara Falls.  I find it odd that I don't like to drink water more than I do. "They" say the water will run out someday.. I hope I'm long gone before then.  I wonder if  Buddah is right.. I'd like to come back as a dolphin.

Jan 22,2012

Well this weekend could have gone better.  My car had a minor problem which turned into a major headache. Hopefully it will be fixed by Tuesday. I still have to go find a rim to get a spare in the car. The Penguins won all three games this weekend which was awesome and I got a Theissy poo poo bobble head for my Pens shelf. I've been watching TV most of the day trying to get past the issues I caused myself by not taking care of my diabetes properly yesterday. The joys of diabetes compounded with IBS..you just can't imagine. What I eat is almost always good for one disease and bad for the other. Half the time I wish they could put me on an IV and I could skip eating all together. Which brings me back to the TV. I'm watching a TLC show called freaky eaters. It's about people who do strange things like eat only french fries, or put tartar sauce or maple syrup on everything. It always comes down to a mental issue. Food is such a terrible problem to deal with for one reason I've said before...you can live without everything else you get addicted to..you can't live without food. It's a matter of management and so many people, including me don't have the skills. The people who try to help don't really understand, or at least the people I've come across don't. It's a one day at a time. This weekend was rough but I'm hoping for better days soon. First time flying solo on the new job tomorrow. GULP!!

A New Year Comes

Lots of changes this year. Left my husband for my transgendered boyfriend, quit my job of nearly 11 years and had one child leave the nest.  It's been a lot of changes for this OCD sufferer who hates change. I am still very scared of the future. I hate the idea of not knowing what I'm doing and I feel that way every time I sit at my new desk.  My old job was becoming unstable as well, and at this point I'm sure the company will close it's doors. The new job may very well have been an excellent move but at this moment it doesn't feel that way.
  I am happier since I separated from my husband. The stress level has dropped drastically. I am blessed to be loved and cared for by such a patient person. I'm not saying that life is perfect, but I can't begin to explain how much better I feel and how lucky I am to have found someone I feel is truly a partner.
  I also look forward to having my second child launch herself and see what the future will bring. I hope both the kids will be safe, successful and happy, but much like a mother bird there isn't much else I can do for them.
  So, I will celebrate tomorrow night and like the rest of the world I will hope that 2012 will be a happy new year. Peace and go green, the polar bears are depending on us.

My thoughts for today.

I just got back from dinner out with my kids. I can't explain how it makes me feel to see my children as adults but I assume it's like every other parent. I kind of hurried my way through their childhood  because I couldn't wait for the time when we were on more equal footing. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy them learning to walk, and read and hit all the milestones but I knew I would really enjoy the time when they began learning about adult life. I love listening to them talk about how they feel about their jobs and experiences. I enjoy the idea that they see me as a person much like themselves. I know I am still "mom" and there are things they don't like to talk to me about, but it's a great thing to know that I didn't do half as bad a job as a parent as I thought I would.  Now I hope I get to enjoy this time for quite a while before I have to start figuring out how to be a grandma!